when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
