i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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