my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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