i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
