home. puking in laundry basket.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
