So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
so much tequila, so little girl.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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