I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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