$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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