so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
