If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
