Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
