Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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