Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
