just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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