i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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