All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
