i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
