I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
