i came on her dog
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
