I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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