i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
