five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
