Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
