Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
