i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
