I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
