is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
