Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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