youre lurking in front of me
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
