I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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