Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
