A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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