I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
