so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
