I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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