I just made out with a guy for $7.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
