well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
