feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
