We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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