spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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