Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
