it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
