I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
