Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
