toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
false alarm, still single
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
