Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
