My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
