I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
