There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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