i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
